Subha Manoj

While I Was Away

Subha Manoj

2013 highlights: lessons in learning (Post 4)

I am in Kerala. God’s own country has not been behaving itself. It is extremely hot and humid, with no rains in sight. The wells are drying up and the sun is super pissed. Funny as it sounds, but a bath after a bath does not seem like a silly idea. But none of it matters at this moment as I have just lost my father-in-law.

Death changes everything for the people around. Passing away of a loved one puts everything under perspective. The so called big things in life starts looking minuscule. Unsaid words and unspoken emotions start meaning everything.

In 2011, when my father passed away, my very foundation of thinking and existence changed. I can clearly say that there is a pre-dad ME and a post-dad ME.

One thing which naturally happens when we see closed ones in grief is that unknown fears from inside starts surfacing. The fear of losing our loved ones, the insecurities of the future, the fear that no matter what we plan and decide, there is an upper hand above us.

I was discussing this with my Reiki teacher and what he shared with me was invaluable. I am re-phrasing it here along with my inputs.

We all have a tendency to look at things as black or white, negative or positive, good or bad. But there are some gray areas too. There are certain emotions and feelings which cannot be termed in any way. They are just that: emotions and feelings. They come, have to be felt and experienced, and then they go when it is time.

The issue arises when we try to fight these emotions and start calling them names. It can be compared to meditation. You may see that when you sit to meditate, your thoughts go haywire. Where five minutes back, you had nothing to think about, suddenly there is too much going on in the head. It maybe kick-started with a dog barking. Your thoughts will take you to the dog you were scared of as a child, then the friends you played with as a kid, your favourite teacher in school, the PTMs your father attended , the time your father carried you on his neck and took you around, the death of your father or your loved one. All this makes you sad and you end up asking yourself, “Why am I thinking all this? I am not supposed to think all this. I am meditating. It should calm me and not make me sad.” ….and so on. A good spiritual teacher will tell you how normal this phenomenon is and not to fight these thoughts. Let them come and go, and slowly these raging thoughts fade away.

Similarly with these feeling of fear, as much as you want to fight them, they keep coming back. The key to remove these thoughts is actually nothing. Let them come and go. Feel it and slowly they will heal themselves.  One doesn’t have to judge these thoughts.

Another thing which I kept and still tell myself is that under any unpleasant circumstance, there is a choice we have. Either come out of it strong and wiser or bitter and weak. The story about carrots, eggs and coffee is worth reading and re-reading.

These are not mere words that I am writing. I have followed these suggestions. Yes, it is tough in the beginning  but it surely settles down.

Right now, we are dealing. Surely we will start healing too.

3 Replies to “2013 highlights: lessons in learning (Post 4)”

  • Death is a universal truth and Life is the greatest teacher. It teaches you everything to make you a better person/ strong person and for this it takes you through great difficulties which teaches you, how to tackle them. I know no words can really help to ease the loss you bear but even then what I would like to say is you should not get lost at any situation of your life. Your uniqueness must glitter your life and everybody's life around you..Take care

  • Oh….so sorry about ur loss Subhs….pl convey our condolences to Manoj too. I'm sure you both will come out of it stronger. Lots of love.

  • Death – The universal truth and life is the greatest teacher. It teaches you everything to make you a better / strong person, and for this it takes you through great difficulties which teaches you how to tackle them and one has to accept this truth. But the thing is how one is accepting this universal truth. You & Manoj are very strong individuals to face this situation. Your uniqueness should not be lost at any situation of your life. Your must glitter your life as well as people around you through your positive attitude. Take care

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